I wrote a book several years ago about my conversion from being an agnostic/atheist to being a believer in God.  I talked about how and why I had made that conversion, and I was also open and honest about the fact that I had made similar conversion attempts in the past, and they had never lasted.  I have struggled for the ten years or so since I wrote that book with the conclusions I drew and the place I landed with respect to faith and belief, and it’s finally come to a head. I feel compelled to report that, once again, my conversion from nonbeliever to believer has not lasted.  I find myself with the same doubts and uncertainties that I’ve had for my whole life, and I cannot honestly count myself as a believer.  

I softened my attitude in the past by saying that I was a “seeker,” implying that the jury was still out on my attitudes and beliefs about this subject, in part not to offend the believers I count as friends and loved ones.  I felt like if I left room for the possibility of change in my belief about this fundamentally important subject, I could avoid the pity and sadness I have felt in the past from people who think I’m damned to Hell for my lack of belief.  I think I’ve made a good faith, exhaustive effort to establish a foundation for belief; if doing the work got it done, I think I would be a believer. I still feel, even after doing the work, that it’s a suit that doesn’t fit. This is the last time I’ll try. I can’t try any harder.

There’s really no value in a public revocation of my previous statement of belief. I don’t owe it to anyone and I can’t imagine you’re sitting on pins and needles wondering about my viewpoint on this issue. I thought I believed that there was a God – a personal creator deity that is actively involved in my life and guides the circumstances of my existence.  I was wrong – I don’t believe any such entity exists, and I feel an almost irresistible drive to “set the record straight.” I won’t bother going through the thought process that led me back here. Suffice it to say that I’m comfortable with the conclusion.

I have read extensively about the many forms belief can take. I find myself in the “agnostic atheist” camp, even though there is a body of discussion that says that an agnostic is simply an atheist without the strength of conviction to say so. I don’t see it that way. I think that agnosticism, as a statement of knowledge, is the only defensible position to take in an environment of uncertainty. My position is that there is not enough evidence to convince me of the existence of God. Based on that lack of evidence, I have a lack of belief in a god. I could be wrong; if additional evidence comes to light, I’ll evaluate it and I reserve the right to change my viewpoint. The leap of faith that I have tried to take doesn’t sustain me, though, and is contrary to the way I see and evaluate the world from all other perspectives. I have a scientific mindset, and suspending that mindset to accept this proposition alone makes no sense to me, and feels false.

Being true to myself is about all I have left. My health is deteriorating day by day, and on some days I have difficulty thinking of reasons to keep going.  Then I remember the love of my family and how good my life is because of them, and that reminds me.  I don’t need the trappings of religion to feel the love and acceptance of those that care about me. Those people can respect the true struggle this has been for me and can be at peace with the conclusions I’ve drawn, without condemnation. 

There are some of you who will be disappointed in my decision, and are even now saying, “Poor Corey; we’ll pray for him.”  Please know that this is not a rejection of you; it’s only a rejection of a world view that doesn’t work for me, and no amount of pretending will change that fact. I don’t think I need to be prayed for, and maybe you can just accept me the way I am.